On a day where everything is supposed to be perfect, my head is somewhere else and my thoughts are tangled in each other…i’m thinking about what i don’t have, what i do have, but mostly what i don’t. But I know what I should do, so I’m going to try my hardest.
Merry Christmas to everyone :]
EDIT
Christmas dinner was amazing!
It will officially be Christmas soon, the only thing that will ensure a white one would be a drastic cold front or mother nature surprising us with a completely spontaneous snow storm. That would make my day especially since I’ve worked since 10 am and I won’t finish till 11 pm tonight. HOT DIGGITY. That reminds me of one of my favorite websites, Digg. I’m proud to say that I’m a digger, it’s fun, it’s hot, and helps pass the time. Diggnation! So I told Derek last night of my little peeve of him not getting back to me in a timely fashion. I even used an analogy which might have been much, but you know what, a wise old woman once told me, “you gotta say what you gotta say and you gotta do what you gotta do.” I made that old woman up. I’m not sure if he understood or took it to heart because I didn’t get a response till 10 minutes later again. Sweet. God I love him so much, and I guess I’m just a small little puppy who needs a little attention or a warning that he is busy. Yesterday, we went to Starbucks before I went to work, and I’m going to be a flirty, hormonal high school girl and say, he was sooo omg CUUTE! He was wearing a preppy, collared, blue striped, button-up shirt and blue pants that make his tush look so darn hot. On the other hand, I was far from cute, I was wearing my BUTTON-UP dark blue male shirt and VEST …you know altogether they call these disgusting things uniforms. I think later on in life, I’m going to design uniforms for the Marriott Corporation. I think business would increase significantly.
Yesterday, an elderly man came up to me and asked if I went to hotel school. WTF? I didn’t even know one existed, but of course I shouldn’t be so naiive because one of my friends is majoring in HOTEL MANAGEMENT. Let me say this once and never say it again, I could never work for a hotel. It would be painful, and I would have approximately 5.2 midlife crises. So anyways, this man, and I wish I remembered his name because I love it when people remember mine so I make an effort to learn names…as I was saying, I want to show him later on in life that I will prove him wrong. I never specifically told you what he said because but it made me feel a bit less than a woman. He said, “Go marry a doctor in a couple of years. You don’t need to be cutting up anything. He’ll make all the money.” I mean it would be nice to lounge around all day, but I think anyone would get tired of doing that all the time. Does he mean I shouldn’t work or that I should just marry rich? Hopefully the latter because that means I’m still working. Now if I had the power to change the words that came out of his mouth he would have said, “Marian, you are amazing. You have the ability to become anything you’ve ever wanted, and I want you to aim for the highest.” Speaking of “the highest” I’m going to midnight mass tonight with my sister and her friend. (edit: plus Derek and my dad) I haven’t been for a very long time, so this should be a good experience. And speaking of my sister, she has a guy in her life. Yes, my little sister Daphne. (He actually has a brother that’s my year, that goes to St. Mary’s.) Anyways, he gave her a Juicy Couture necklace for Christmas. Bad idea, you don’t give jewelry this early, but it was very sweet gesture.
I’m a bit tired of writing, so perhaps I’ll get back to this later.
Merry Christmas Eve!
I’m having that unpleasant feeling of something hanging at the back of my throat again. My head has been feeling really heavy…even my eyelids feel as if they weigh a ton. I managed to get 16 credits of A’s and 3 credits of B’s this semester, I should be ecstatic and I am. I’m working as an optometry assistant at an amazing office in Bethesda, I do enjoy myself there. I’m tired of working though, remind me that when I have children, that I won’t…can’t let them work. There’s a difference in working a little and working too much. And I’ve worked everyday SINCE exams ended. I feel this slight change of mood taking over me, and it’s kind of sudden this time around.
I’m pretty good at greeting everyone today, I always get a smile and a greeting back. If only we all HAD to do it, I think this world might be a better place. Aye, my head hurts. Perhaps I’ve been staring at my computer too long or I could blame it on a couple of other things. I need a massage. 7th day of work…And it will keep going till Christmas. I want to be surrounded by flowers, although I might have an allergic reaction, I want to take a deep breath of fresh flowers. I need more hugs and i love you’s because I didn’t think my throat would feel this long.
I work till 11 p.m, so I have time to write.
Back in middle school, I had a huge crush on one of the most popular guys in school. My face would always heat up around him, which amazes me about the way our bodies deal with love/stress. I’m not sure if I ever spoke with him, but I think I would remember if I did. He friended me earlier this year and wrote on my wall, “it has been 5 years since Key Middle School but I’m sure we’ll see each other because I always seem to run into people that I know. Im sure you can’t wait to go back either. Hope to see you soon.” The comment never made sense to me because we never spoke. He’s a completely different person now…actually you know what he is probably the same person he has always been…I just grew to learn that I would never be attracted to a guy for only his looks. He even looks different now since he gained a bit of weight.
Back in high school, I had three major crushes. One of them lasted for a short period, and the other never really existed. First one was Sophomore year, the Second was Junior year, and the Third was Senior year. Of course we all know who the third crush was/is which is kind of ironic because our “anniversary” is on the third. Anyways, my first crush I would label as “cute.” It was a fleeting moment of happiness which ended because I never really knew what I wanted. I liked the experience of getting to know him, but I wasn’t fully there. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. What I will remember most are the bag of kisses on our one month anniversary, although it does sound a little cheesy, it made me smile for the rest of the day. While looking at pictures of him and his girlfriend on facebook, I thought to myself, they’re going to get married.
Second crush. What do I remember the most? Probably the best memory were the letters we wrote to each other that summer. I remember he wrote “Love” at the end of one of the letters, but it felt too artificial. I promised myself that I wouldn’t say it till I really meant it. I really did like him, but we never saw each other which inevitably led to the break up. There were a few more memories with him like walking in the woods and his detergent, but other than that there was that whole summer of silence. I didn’t mind it all that must because that was the summer I interned at the MedStar Diabetes Research Institute, which was probably one of the best internship experiences that I’ve ever had.
Third Crush. I’m not even sure where to begin. It has been three years and almost three months. I’m not scared about anything. I’ve learned the most with him. I have seen the most with him. I’ve been more places because of him. I have also grown a lot since middle school and high school, so I have obviously become a better person. He’s the one I said, I love you to. For a split-second, I thought he was reading my mind when he said it that night. I think the only thing I wish if he would pay more attention to me. I’m no G, M, or B, but I am me…and there’s a little bit of amazing in everyone in my mind…so there must be in me.
Although, I haven’t had a million boyfriends, I’ve learned a lot from the the crushes that have been in my life. A guy must be intelligent, there must be some kind of substance behind that beautiful external body. Guys like to play video games and this cannot be prevented therefore you must join them. Do what you feel is right because in the end if it doesn’t feel right, you might need to take a different direction.
I’m not scared about very much anymore because I know I can change anything that I don’t like. It’s not that easy, and it’s really not that hard.
About 2 boxes of chocolates later and a couple of cookies, I think I’m done with this entry. Happy holidays and a happy new year!
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
I am extremely happy for Derek. I just got off the phone with him. He’s in Seattle where he is interviewing with Microsoft. Above doing such great things and getting such amazing offers, he seems to have such good control of his life with working, dancing, and all the other things he does. Anyways, I’m damn proud of him. Currently, I’m studying like mad for my final exams, which I’m feeling pretty confident about. I’m loving it at the behavioral optometrist practice I’m working at since everyone there just seems so intelligent…it makes me want to learn more. I didn’t think I was going to leave the Marriott any time soon, but it’s going to seem that way for the next couple of months since I really don’t have much time to work there anymore. I will always love my coworkers there though. ANYWAYS, my future roomies and I will be checking out another house this Thursday. =) umm yeah sorry for the rather scattered entry, but FUCK yeah almost done. and done with this entry!
I feel like I’m the only one trying sometimes, but I know I’m not trying as hard as I should. But then again I do try, do you understand that I want you to respond and talk to me. really talk to me. i need your undivided attention even if it is just sometimes. instead, like last night, i have to wait for you. wait for you to say goodnight, i love you. but the latter wasn’t there or former. just after my absence was noticed. and even when noticed, nothing more. that ahh gnite. i’m tired, i was tired. maybe i should have called, instead of waiting by my computer. you know how I feel, right? I know you’re busy, I’m busy too, I’m always busy. But I still have time though. i cried, for a bunch of reasons. i needed to. and now i feel bad after crying, for saying things that generalize and not things that were rationally thought about. It’s not a need, it’s a desire. And if all I can do is desire, maybe I should call it a need.
