I’ve been writing in my xanga, but its felt impersonal each time. Everything is systematic and ordered, while on here my feelings and memories seem to leak out more easily.
but
I don’t even know why I write anymore, if I can’t even find the right words to say…
How do you make a person feel special? What little gestures do you make? Do you put them down when they’re wrong? Do you smile when they’re right? Can you count how many ways you love a person on more than one hand? How do you know if that person will be there for you all the time? Would that person choose you? Do you try so hard that you become indecisive about what to give? Do you tell that you love them so? Do you put a blanket over them? Am I good company?
It’s late, I’m feeling shitty.
It’s 12:38 a.m. I worked in the lab, went to class, worked in the lab, met with professor, ate dinner, worked on essay, and studied a minute amount for biochemistry. Yes, I’m feeling shitty.
I want some sort of hollywood director to take over my life right now because I’m too lame to keep acting right now.
So it’s either Jamaica for Entomology, Europe for HIV studies, or EMT work.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. No matter how hard I tried to sleep and dream, both refused to occur. The noises, the distractions, and the lights left me wide awake in my bed. It’s not that I didn’t try because I did, OH I DID. I ended up staying up all night only to leave at 6 am for work. And yes, I’m working on no sleep at all. I hope no one tells me I look tired. Because shit, I do. They didn’t have to be touching each other all night long. She didn’t need to get up at 4 am in the morning to turn on her computer and start clicking on pictures again and again and again. I could have done without hearing the noises of lips against each other. I know they were trying to be quiet, but on these beds? Hell no is that going happen. But then again I don’t know if she really tried to be quiet. FUCK I’m tired. And I’m a JERK. I’ve been extremely agitated and irritable. I think it’s the cause of something else, so I guess that’s a quick fix. I’ve been more emotional than ever. This needs to stop because I’ve been acting like someone I’m not. Whatever happened to my patience, my diligence, my stability. Did I ever have it? Maybe I’m just tired, sleepy…tired. A jerk.
The storm is coming but I don’t mind.
I open up my blinds and breathe
I had been asleep for awhile
But I awoke from the noise
The fresh air has come in
