mars•barz

=)

Today is the big day =) I have 19 kids between the ages of 15-17. I’m going to tackle each of them once they get here, in a good way. I can’t wait!

Each time I went down the list to your name, down to the name that means the most to me, and after pressing send, I just heard nothing. Normally, I would hear your voice, but all I could hear was my heart racing inside of me. All the things that would have scared me just didn’t matter, and there were things that normally would. The only thing that scared me was something that was secure and locked in place. It’s when something gets in the way and causes it to become loose that everything becomes awry, and the cause of it is me. Although I would like to say that I’ve changed for the better, I haven’t. I’ve become encapsuled in a world where I don’t change. I don’t think I’m alone in this. Staying perfectly still…it feels safer somehow. People always say, “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character.” This quote has been used many times, and I have always loved reading it over because of the truth that are hidden among this chronology of actions. I am someone who keeps everything to myself and still shows it in probably the worst way possible. I ignore my surroundings and I just keep to myself. I’m a jerk. Why would I do that to myself? Why would I do that to the people I love around me? Why would I do that if I have people around me who love me? I can’t keep letting the little things get to me. I think about it all right now, and they were all simple things. Every time, it was a simple thing that upsetted me. Sherryn not having a place to stay and everyone being stubborn. Someone saying that the game had moved on because I didn’t get it. The possibility that I wouldn’t have a place to stay at in NY and then my cell phone dying. And then the next day, where I just felt overwhelmed by everything and didn’t want to be alone again. I guess I should be more specific, but it’s not about what happened, it’s about how I reacted. I wish I could emphasize how sorry I am, but my words mean nothing if I don’t show it in my actions. And I will, I want this so badly…I love him so much. I love you so much.

You mean so much to me. You’re more than the millions of pictures we have together, more than the music, more than all the comfy pillows and memory foam mattresses, more than the rooftops, more than the visits…you make up my memories, my life. I hope I never upset you again, and I thank you for talking with me…it opened my eyes and although it hurt me, it helped me realize how I was taking you for granted. I love you always. ^^

For the past days, we’ve been training training training…it’s been a long week.

It’s already the first day and everything is going great! I’m just a bit sick, but I’ve been so busy that the only time I really think about is when my nose has turned into a faucet or right before bed. Currently I’m staying at Catholic University, my roommate for the next five days is this girl from South Carolina. There are 200-250 people training with me, of course in different groups, but together. Yesterday, we had the opening ceremony in which the founder of the organization gave an amazing speech. “Take a look in the mirror each morning, and look at the person you see staring back at you. The image you see shows your attitude. If you’re feeling or look grumy, sad, mad, etc…that’s how others percieve you. Attitude is everything.” There were so many other things, and I’m probably not dictating it all as well as I should. In my program, Medicine and Heathcare, Track A, I already like all the people I’ll be working with. They are all from around the United Stattes, I’m the only one from Maryland. Despite having to wake up at 6 a.m., and having “lights out” at 10:30 p.m., I like this, I like this a lot! =)