mars•barz

My entire summer is filled up. Does anyone really care what I’ll be doing? I’m damn proud of myself, and no one seems to genuinely care. I know that my world shouldn’t be the center of everyones’ conversation, but maybe just a little, just for a second. I’ve worked myself out of the rut I was before, and am still trying to get out of this. I feel like I’ve improved greatly. I just need some sort of “yeah you’re right you have.” I know you guys don’t know everything about me, and you certainly don’t know me if you read this blog, but whoever you are, however I might know you, even if you don’t read this, I just need a “yeah.” Tag on a little smile and you’ve made my day. Give me one reason to help me realize that you know I’m here. I’m tired of being pushed behind, just to watch. FUCK WATCHING. I’m going to be at Georgetown University and in New York and then I’m going to Alaska. I’m not going to watch anymore.

This is MY life and I AM who I want to be. Are you? or are you just pushing people behind because that’s cheap.

(this should not have been a hidden entry)

I want to write somewhere secretly, but I still want to know that other people have read what I’ve written. I guess I don’t want to be judged, but I know that people wouldn’t do such a thing. lol I don’t know what I want.

Is it true when a person questions, they truly don’t understand… or are they trying to get their point across through the questioning? It’s tough to ever really know what’s going on in another person’s head. As I stare out into the city of Philadelphia, for I am looking out a window right as I write this, I’m thinking there must be many who question to get their own point across…out there. I’m not sure whether I find this rude or what. Is a person questioning the others’ honesty? love? OR are we all just comparing ourselves to each other? Are we intimidated by the fact that someone is benefiting more out of something that they rightfully earned or captured.

Do you take pictures? lets see if I can clarify my point. Can those be shared without Permission to a general audience? What could be done with those pictures. I have over 13 gigabytes worth of pictures, and I’m not even sure what I’ll do with all of them. They’re not worth much to another person, but to me they mean a whole lot. Perhaps, I can look through them and reminisce of the past events, or maybe I’ll share them with my future family. Who knows. This goes back to questioning to see whether there is a point through the questioning. What’s the point? What’s the point? I love pictures, it can capture the mood, an expression, growth, and life. But I’m caught and torn between what exactly is the meaning of having such memories captured if no one will look at them many many years from now. Imagine just how many I’ll have then.

Questioning with a point. Does a person try to understand through questioning or are they just trying to make a fool of the other person. What’s the point? You prove your point, but you just humiliated an innocent person who probably made a simple mistake. I learned from someone long ago that it was “hard to understand where I was coming from.” I never really understood this, and it’s always been a question that has been left unanswered. Comments with a point. eh. Can you believe I’ve been questioning what this has meant for many years now? I’ve always been curious what it means. It has never really offended me because I don’t even understand it myself.

I fight with my brain, and it’s harder than you think.

I’m busy all summer, and it shouldn’t make me sad.

In a place, where communication is key, I couldn’t stand speaking to one customer. Smoker’s breath is probably the nastiest smell ever to come out of a person’s mouth. Morning breath isn’t even that bad. It’s almost as if he was spewing out nicotine and ashes. His yellow-colored teeth, coloured by the gingivitis and other disgusting bacteria encapsulated on his teeth, was a site that I would have liked to replace with a sexy picture of some famous movie star.

Since I stand here for eight hours, I watch and see all the smoker’s on their smoke-breaks. Many breaks, too many breaks. Hoperfully one day the breeze will turn around in their direction, and they can get a wift of that disgusting odor coming from their mouths.

In later news: Morning breath, the lesser evil

Even with all the people I got to see today, there’s a part of me that feels missing. I guess I am disappointed I didn’t see someone on Friday, but I guess it’s not my say. There are just somethings that I shouldn’t expect. And I shouldn’t put all my eggs in one basket and expect them all to hatch.

Sigh

I wasn’t even feeling sad before an hour ago…yeah i don’t know what’s up with me tonight either.

“Your Body is a wonderland”

lol
something about that song just makes me smile.

I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase,
You tell me where to go and,
Though I might leave to find it,
I’ll never let your head hit the bed,
Without my hand behind it.

I feel as if I’m the only person who ever wants to do the RIGHT thing. I’m the only person who wants to tell a person something that they need to know. I’m the only person who wants to get them help.

…or at least it feels that way.

My endurance obviously isn’t good enough.

They are all dressed up in their little black dresses. Their legs might as well be bear with stockings that have pre-made holes. Everything is out, nothing tucked in. Strolling in as if they rule the world – with their perfect strands of hair- they push people around and make phone calls non-stop. They talk of parties galore. They speak about the sluts, the hotties, the loser guys they “hooked” up with(whatever that means). Listen to them say to each other “oh you look wonderful,” with a sense of distaste and jealousy in their voices. They leave as a pack and flee the scene without an identity.

What will become of these Barbie dolls?

Life is so wonderful. (You can’t jinx anything if you’re not superstitious.)

Besides my major exams and assignments, I can’t complain. I feel like I have a firm hold on everything. I don’t even know who I would thank, maybe myself, my friends, everyone? !

As I hugged Derek goodbye at the College Park metro station, I felt so much more closer…a couple independent from that high school definition of ‘couple.’ Yes, we have been going out for a good amount of time, but wow…its’ been awhile if you think about everything in the past, but it still feels like that night back in high school and it makes everything seem just as if it happened today.

We went outside of the high school in which all the winterguards were performing and we climbed up onto the bleachers. And then the bus ride home and the pictures he took. There are just so many memories, just thinking of bleachers sparks up more and more. Looking up at the stars reals in more memories.

Although I’ve had choices before, I feel like I have more say in what’s done…in what I do. The strings that my parents had me on are almost untied. It’s as if I am able to function with my self-created strings where I guide my way, but still the “right way” as they would have liked.

I am really looking forward to the summer, I realize it’s not here just yet, but I love thinking about the summer months. I will be really busy, same as Derek. Again we’ll be in different states, but I’m already excited to visit him =) Depending if I accept a Team Leader Position for a program at Georgetown University for Healthcare and Medicine, I won’t have any free weekends. They program runs for 10 day intervals. I am really excited about this, it isn’t confirmed yet that I have received the position, but I’ve already sent in my application and had my interview which turned out really well. So if I do get the leadership position, I will be working at Georgetown for about 3 different programs (lasting 10 days each) and then the last one I will be in New York! The day that the program ends, I will be leaving for Alaska! For those of you who don’t know, this is a program through the Life Sciences program here at College Park. We’ll be hiking, whale-watching, sea-kayaking, fishing…and of course biology related research which I won’t get into the specifics of. I get two credits for the research and my project. I am really excited about going, it’s going to be awesome …and beautiful. naturally.

So I have a lot to look forward to. Visiting Derek in New York, adventures in Alaska, working at Gerogetown, and probably continuing with my lab internship on campus…I am truly excited. =) I am truly in love. =) Simply put, I am happy. =)