mars•barz

I love beginnings. Ends aren’t really my taste, unless a window opens. Shoot, that sounds way to cliche. Oh well, whatever. At the beginning, you can show it your best. You can go all out. At the end, you have like one day.

I’m pretty tired right now. I have been out every night this week, so I’m just trying to chill right now. What was I thinking earlier? Playing frisbee when I still hadn’t eaten. Guess what time it was, 4 pm? Yeah, I know I’m crazy. I didn’t go, so don’t worry, I was about to though. I had forgotten that there was a floor meeting at 5 pm, so I went to the diner and then to the meeting afterwards. I’m pretty tired right now though.

I’m starting over tomorrow, it will be a new day. A new beginning. No more fears, I’ll do everything with want, care, truth, love. This is the start of a very awesome semester. Goodbye everyone =)

This past year has been marked by Fruit Punch Flavored Gatorades and Nightly Vaseline lotion. If I think of more, I’ll write it on here.

Dear Blogspot,

For the past week I’ve been here at the vacant University of Maryland. The void of people will slowly fill in the upcoming week, but for now, it’s empty. On the various floors in my building, I’ve met possibly everyone. I can’t make my opinions just yet since I don’t them very well, but they are all very nice. We can always make that assumption for most people when you meet them. Then they start to grow with you and they become this vine of different characteristics.

I like this room a lot better than I liked my dorm room from last year. There’s more of ‘me’ that went towards this room. Of course there’s more stuff that belongs to me, but it feels ‘more on my level’ if that makes any sense.

Right now I’m listening to Rascal Flatts song, “My Wish.” I have to say that for the past couple of years I only liked a few country songs, and when I say few I mean one or two. The more I listen to country, the more I like it. It’s too bad that the majority of people I hang out with don’t like country, I’ll see if I can change that…which is highly doubtful, but we’ll see. =)

This year I’m going to start off new. And no I don’t say this at all, so for me it’s not cliche in my world of “marian cliche’s.” This is going to be the year that I balance everything well, so that doesn’t include just school and work, but school, work, and play. I know I have one more job that last year, two if you count the other one,… ok I am starting with three jobs this year, but I will cut down my hours, I will, I promise. This is also going to be the year that I stop biting my nails. I unknowingly bite my nails for really no apparent reason. It happens at such random times, I don’t even notice it very much.

This is a story about me. so GIMME MOORE. That was what the motivational speaker said. Ok, I know cheesy, but it’s so true. You have to GIMME MOORE. This means that instead of just doing a task normally, do more, make it more intense, be more passionate about it.

So this is my year to start off new. And is it me, but I believe I see myself smiling in the distance.

P.S. I get to see Derek tonight and I can’t wait. =) I wish we could have hung out more this summer, but it’s hard when you both are so busy or are in various states. BUT I get to see him tonight. =D

This is a word we use to plug holes with.
It’s the right size for those warm
blanks in speech, for those red heart-
shaped vacancies on the page that look nothing
like real hearts.
Add lace and you can sell it.
We insert it also in the one empty
space on the printed form
that comes with no instructions.
There are whole magazines with not much in them
but the word love,
you can rub it all over your body and you
can cook with it too. How do we know
it isn’t what goes on at the cool
debaucheries of slugs under damp
pieces of cardboard? As for the weed-
seedlings nosing their tough snouts up
among the lettuces, they shout it.
Love! Love! sing the soldiers, raising
their glittering knives in salute.

Then there’s the two of us. This word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It’s not love we don’t wish
to fall into, but that fear
this word is not enough but it will
have to do.
It’s a single vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside.
You can hold on or let go.

~ Atwood

I love you Derek

Before taxes my paycheck was $325, after taxes it was $243.30.

I don’t even know why I wanted to write about that, I guess it just gave me something to write about. I mean it is a substantial amount, but it’s not something I think about for longer than five minutes.

Why does it feel that everything that I want to write about is sort of null and void?

S.O.S Please someone help me

I kind of felt unwanted today, I wasn’t even home for most of the day too.

I went biking for 4 hours. I ended up going to Burnt Mills, I took several detours along the way. Finally when I got to the place I wanted to be, it was too dark near the waterfalls, so I turned around and got on 29S. I was on 29S for awhile, then I decided to turn around and take the exit to my house (20 minutes later of course) I got some pretty nice camera shots if anyone is interested. But anyways, as I got onto this exit there’s this jackass who decides to speed, I was almost hit but w/e I wasn’t so that’s good. So I decide it’s not time to go home yet, so I ride to the Martin Luther King Park. I ended up searching around White Oak Middle School, there had appeared to be a game of something. Got boring very fast, so I headed towards the park. No park police, good, don’t want anyone questioning me. Somehow I found the urge to go to Martin Luther King JR. Pool. There were actually people swimming in there. One thing I’ve realized about bikeriding is that it’s not nice to see kids with big sticks. Also riding where it’s very dark can be very creepy. I got home at around 11 pm, I know how unsafe is that. Don’t worry, my phone was filled with calls from home so I was warned several times about the severity of the issue. … lol

anyways, the end, good bye.

*does a groovy dance*

Am I trying to push out the reason with each word that I carefully write? Or am I merely trying to discover myself?

I can get on that greyhound and change everything right now. Heck, I could even drive. The options are there. Why is it that I feel so ready for this? I’m not even trying to get out of Maryland anymore. I’m trying to further my options with something that UMD doesn’t offer to me. But why jeopardize everything by moving? Why not just wait it out, what a rash decision I could make in the next few days. Why is it so TEMPTING? Why do I get EXCITED just thinking about it?

I’ve been talking about it all year.

But..but..but…but

How I hate that word.

The plan will still be to get a degree in Biotechnology and minor in English. BUT why do I feel I need to get out of here so fast? Could I be unhappy? no.

Sometimes you just NEED that change in scenery. That change in the PACE of your life.

The better decision is to stay, but I’m going to apply. To three schools. It doesn’t even matter if I haven’t made up my mind, I’m applying because I cannot get this off my mind. I haven’t been able to get this off my mind. I need to get this off my mind. I’m going to resolve this.

If someone gave me the choice of living in the city or the suburbs, I would choose the city without a doubt.

Every time I think of the city, I think of running at the brink of dawn across from a body of water, with the skyscrapers right alongside of me. I also think of a bunch of little shops, every single one different, with discoveries waiting to happen. Then I think about lots of people just moving around, getting to where they need to be, and then people just hanging out in a popular part of the city. Then I think about how it would be in another state, and it makes me feel this sense of independence.

The other part of the entry, I won’t post up. It’s unnecessary because I change my mind so much anyways, but when I’ve finally decided I will tell everyone.

I’m scared though. I think we all are though. We’re all unsure. but so sure at the same time.

“this could be the difference in what you need and what you want to be…everything that is your world”

my bed needs to be a massage chair