mars•barz

I haven’t been sure of what I really wanted to do since the first grade. The picture I had drawn clearly shown that I wanted to become a DOCTOR. The sun was smiling, I was smiling…it was just beautiful. That was going to be MY job.

At this point, there is no way I would want to become a DOCTOR…you know like one of those epidemiologists, cardiologist, …all those -ologists. I’m sure I would enjoy it, but it just doesn’t seem me, you know? ok it does seem me, but all those years in school, all that hard work…I’m getting tired just thinking about it. I feel like I would never have time for anything else in my life.

Technically, I’m becoming a DOCTOR by going into Pharmacy. Somedays I question whether I will really enjoy becoming a Pharmacist. Today is one of those days. Technically I’m not just becoming a Pharmacist, I’m going into the sales portion of pharmaceuticals, where I will work for an insurance company and get different partners to purchase the drug, etc. Medicine is cool, it can interrupt our bodily systems and cause something predictable to happen. It can close up the receptors…it can do so much. That’s exactly why I first wanted to go into pharmacy.

I want to work with kids so badly though. I absolutely love kids. They can put a smile on my face whenever and whereever. Even if they’re mad at me, they are still really cute.

To the right is a picture of a girl named Kaitlin. I love spending time with her. hehe She came up with a game the other day. She would get up on the table we have downstairs. Then put her hands up, I would carry her over to me on the couch. Then she would climb off of me. Then she would quickly get off the couch and do the whole thing over again.

I just want to work with kids, that would make me want to go into work any day. I love business though and medicine. That means I want to become a doctor right? A pediatrician to be specific. Noo. Maybe I want to become a Physcian’s Assistant in the pediatric department? Maybe. That would work actually. But I want to work with medicine. Why are some people so sure of what they want to do and I’m left confused about the pre-allied health professions.

How about I say I’m just going to go to the Carribbean to soak up the rays mon?!

And lets see the other thing I’m confused about are PEOPLE. I wish I could climb into a persons’ head and examine their thoughts for a second and push it all back in, because I am so gosh darn confused. I felt so ignored today. I cant even really explain why I felt that way. But you know when a person must be looking at you, and then they turn their head really quickly. Or when a person has two directions to go, and they choose the other way rather than the one you were at.

I need to work on how I react to this sort of stuff because I go off into my own little world when it happens and I try to find something to amuse me as quickly as possible. I just need more positive thoughts running through my head. There’s always room for improvement.

I feel like I should take back what i wrote a paragraph ago, it’s equally my fault as it were theres. but you know what, I’m still learning… =)
I’m going to leave this entry with a smile because I feel a lot better.

=D

I’m really excited about school starting up again. August is going to be such a busy month.

~I move into my dorm on August 16th.
~Training all week.
~Along with the class I’m taking, comm107 which starts on 7/17 and ends on 8/27
~Arrival Survival training and working
~Working at the Marriott and working at the lab on campus
~College Apps
~PCAT studying

oy oy oy

Your Man ~ Josh Turner

I want to crash on an island and live with a bunch of other people. It would be exactly like the show Lost. Man that would be pretty awesome. I’m like an idea machine, shooting out ideas every which way. I’m just too good.

I want to leave Maryland.

Standing in the center of the road as the rain came pouring down, it was rather beautiful. You don’t get to see it all too often. She wrinkled her nose, and put her umbrella down as she felt the rain with her hand. She wiped the drops out of her hair, the drops were rather few on her head, but the mix of the dry and the wet felt nice. She went along, smiling and walking to no particular destination. Frank Sinatra played in the background very faintly. The rain falling and the music made her move along even slower as she started spinning around. The light was dim, but slowly the sun was rising. She moved around in the park, the street, everywhere you could imagine. The rain started to stop, but she kept on moving, slowly fading with the music and rain.

It seems that everything happens for a reason. If it doesn’t happen, then there wasn’t any reason. Of course different perspectives can arise, but isn’t that a reason in itself? I’m listening to Sinatra right now, which ia a lot different to what I usually listen to. I grew to like it as a child because at all the dinner parties my parents went to, there was this man who karaoked to Sinatra. Of course there was a point in time where I just didn’t care too much for it, not that I care a lot about it right now, but I appreciate it more. Listening to him, makes life feel simpler in a way, which is what I like. Nothing is suppose to be complicated, nothing. If it is, there is always a resolution.

I recieved an email late last night. Of course I didn’t read it till this morning, but I think that it’s safe to say, that whenever I thought about it today, it made me smile. I know, I know it was simple, but even if he says it again and again, no matter where or how, it makes me feel so special to have him.

I think that’s all I’m going to write tonight, otherwise I’m just going to go on and on about the same thing =P

I’m always looking forward to the future. If it’s Monday, I’m wishing it were Tuesday. It’s as if the present has no meaning, it’s all about what will happen, how I will feel, how everything will play out. If this summer isn’t good, I’m already looking forward to the next one- believing I’ll be in some other state. Since today is Saturday, tomorrow will be Sunday and I will get some sleep. Since I have school Monday through Friday, the weekend is right after that. But it’s not true it’s not true! It’s an endless cycle. Why not just live in the now, and get everything I need done, and say, “YEAH I DID THAT! heck YEAH!”?

There must be something wrong with me because I can’t.

damn, im going to try though.

So lets go through some sort of renewal for me I guess. I’ve been reinterpreting things lately. Lets start with marriage:

Well let me start from the beginning, its not that I never thought that there could be successful marriages, but it’s just so hard to see couples happy with each other. I’m probably not looking hard enough, or I’m just looking too superficially at relationships, but now I do believe that there is such a thing. I just wish I could point at a married couple, and say “wow i want to be just like that.” Then I think about the relationship I have with Derek, and I’m not saying I’m going to get married to him, and I’m not saying that I wouldn’t, because at this point, although I hate to admit it, I’m still naive, young, innocent, and all those other words used to describe a young adult. (but then again I know how i feel so I don’t know how much I should characterize myself as these) Just because I love him very much, doesn’t mean I would be ready marriage though. Marriage seems like such an adult word anyways. BUT back to my point. I just saw this couple of 20-30 years walk in. They looked so happy, they seemed like they knew each other very well. They knew what annoyed each other, if the other one wasn’t doing very well, when the other person needed space, if they didn’t know, they did a pretty good job in hiding that, but I’m pretty sure that they did.

They’re my proof.

Renewal number 2: secrets
So I hate knowing things i shouldn’t know. I love finding out, but when I have to keep it a secret, it’s hard, especially if it’s about something serious. There are two types of secrets. One type of secrets are those that really aren’t that serious yet not many people should know about it or care for that matter. The other kind of secrets can horribly ruin friendships/relationships. And that’s the one I know. I made a promise to someone not to tell, and I don’t break promises, but I’m so tempted to. I wish there was an easier way. I don’t believe it’s my place at all either. I’m usually good at keeping secrets I guess, but I think it’s important that one person know.

Renewal number 3: pets
I honestly miss my cat Madeline…
My mom got rid of her when I left for college last year…ok “got rid” I know that’s not the best terminology, but whatever, that’s how it felt. It felt like my cat meant very little to my mom. It felt like she was just brushed away like lint off a sweater. I hope she’s doing fine, not that I know where exactly she is.

Renewal of no renewal: life
I shouldn’t complain so much because I have so much which I wouldn’t trade for the world. I mean how lucky am i to have what i have? I also feel that I am a good person, I’m not perfect or anything, but as much as I’m not told, not that I need to be, I know that i’m a good person. (ok i know that sounds weird, but =P)

And thanks for all those who have read what I’ve written. I don’t even know who reads this anymore, apart from one person of course, but it’s a mystery to me otherwise who keep themselves updated.

do u know what day it is?

^^

Staring out a window with a dream. Stargazing, tiptoeing among the star-litted trees, mystifying and beautifying the beings walking in the distance. Dreaming only so subtlely so that the small ones come faster, to have the big ones take you by surprise. Dreaming of a difference. Dreaming of having something constant at all times, somebody that is. Smiling at little treasures, precious thoughts, and romantic glances. Being put up on a pedestal in the hearts of the ones that love you, without knowing, but always knowing that it might be there. Questioning never, but living every moment as if you’re sure of everything. Always knowing that chasing is always funner than watching. Consumed by simple thoughts yet intrigued by deeper questions, always ready always dreaming.

Sherryn, Candace, and Katie are awesome. They surprised me with a get-well-soon cake.
It was great spending time with them =)

the eyes started getting a bit blurry. the water started to build up within and welled up on the surface. in prevention to keep them from falling, she did not close her eyes. she stared at the picture in front of her as long as possible. a tear suddenly fell, resulting in blurring a piece of the picture. it was never suppose to fall.