Not even words can describe how I feel right now. Even if what I have is enough, I feel so empty…
I don’t even know what it is…maybe I’m depressed, stressed, sad…maybe all of the above.
I wish I didn’t think anymore, and I wish that none of you saw this side of me, but I promised myself I would stay truthful on this site.
I probably won’t write till next week…hopefully I’ll be better by then…
[I love all the letters I recieve from my grandma. Every year for my birthday, she sends me a card with $20, every letter is beautiful and different. She must have over 15 grandkids, and yet she always remembers.]
…I really hope my grandma gets better soon. No one this close to me has ever passed away. There was my grandpa, but I didn’t really know what was happening. I just remember smiling at the funeral when all the military men shot their guns in the air. And then I remember picking up the bullets that had fallen.
I regret that I don’t get to see my family up in Minnesota that often. That’s a loss in itself. I know them through pictures and the letters they send. Of course I do visit, but it’s not very often.
I really hope she feels better, I’m sure she will, she is such a strong person.
Edit:
Did you know that she helped name me when I was a baby? Both of my grandparents did. My grandma’s name is Mary Elbert. My grandpa wanted a baby girl in the family with the last name of Elbert to be named by him. I still have pictures of him carrying me as a baby. I wish I could remember those times. I wish I could just say “Click” like Cam and remember everything.
But wait…that’s when I remember going to this fair with my godparents and a couple of aunts and uncles. I remember wearing my pink plaid dress, with my hair pulled back. I was sitting on someones’ lap as they played bingo. It reminds me so much of a portrait by Renoir.
If you didn’t know Renoir is one of my favorite artists…one of these days I’m going to go back to the Philly Art Museum and look at all the portraits he has drawn.
In some ways I wish I was closer to my family, of course I can say visiting a different state is fun. But living near them is so much better. This is just like saying that visiting Derek is great, but you know what, it would be awesome if I could see him everyday.
…
You want to know what the worst thing is? When my grandpa died…that’s the first time I had ever seen my dad cry. I don’t think I can stand to see it again. =
God bless her.
I’m going to do what I haven’t really done for a long time.
I’m going to put myself first. I can’t keep looking at myself as I do right now.
I have so much to offer, and I hope everyone sees that. if they don’t, then it’s them that’s missing out.
and if you won’t listen then fine, just know that i’ll always be listening because that’s the type of person i am.
I try so hard in that class. Why doesn’t show in my exam grades? I’m doing fine in all my classes, except for one, organic chemistry. That class makes me so nervous. I don’t even enjoy going to it sometimes because I know how it might end up, me getting a C in the class. It will either be that or a B, which would be fine, but I’m too close to the verge of getting either. It’s so strange though because after any organic chemistry test I feel like I’ve done really well, then when I get my score back, it’s like what happened? What’s wrong with me? I know I’ve been studying, but why doesn’t show? It hurts me to know that all my efforts are getting me no where. Back in high school, I absolutely loved chemistry. I want to write a letter to god, and ask him what’s wrong with me. I’m sure that’s the only place I’ll find an answer.
Wow…my feet really hurt right now. They are really sore and puffy. I’ve been in heels for way too long today. I really need to get different shoes for work. So a lot of things have been happening to the hotel lately. One of the guys from work is MIA…we have no idea where he is. Also the general manager recently had a death in his family. Oh, and did I mention that there was flooding at the hotel, so the hotel needs all the help they can get and 40 more hours of working that needs to be filled. Heh another thing, the cable just went out tonight. Aw so anyways, this week, I’m working Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. And on top of that, I work at my other job this Sunday, and a couple of other days next week. And let’s add some cream to the top of that, I have my organic chemistry test on Wednesday. Blah
I hate complaining, but …
I’m really stressed right now.
At least, I get to visit Derek in Philly next weekend. I can’t wait to watch Lost on the bus ride up. I’m really excited about that. Also Derek has a swing performance, which should be awesome. =) wow…I really can’t wait to see him. I just want to give him a really big hug.
…although the last paragraph made me feel better writing it…im still stressed
Marian needs a hug.
As I walked along the road, I picked up something sparkling in the grass. I’ve kept it for awhile now. It remains in my pocket, and it makes me happy to know that it’s in there. I take it out sometimes, it still sparkles as much as it did before. I sometimes wonder at its’ beauty. How does it manage to stay that natural and elegant? I grasp it in my hand and feel the energy I’m sure it releases. It overloads my system with its’ power until it can fit no more, it always feels that way, but I know that it is still filling and that there will always be room. I will never lose it, it matches with everything so well, and not just the inside of my pocket. As I sit down in the grass with the sun beaming down, I put it up to the light and smile at the happiness it brings me. I could have sworn I saw it move once, I’m not sure which way it was trying to go. Later I noticed it had gotten closer to me. I’m pretty sure it’s growing. I took it out the other day and it had definitely grown. I haven’t been feeding it or anything, but it has grown, and it’s even more beautiful.
This past week has been sooo awesome! I don’t really feel like explaining it because I think I’ve described my week to just about everyone. It won’t be the same for the next couple of days though. I’ll be studying like I duno what. I’m going to be that nerd at the back of the library studying for a gazillion hours. I’m so determined right now to do well in my classes. Don’t ask, again I don’t feel like explaining.
fuck fuck fuck I’m tired right now
Has it really been 17 months?
Je vous aimerai toujours.
<3
