mars•barz

I had such a wonderful weekend at UPenn.

So I just spent about 4 minutes trying to decide on an away message. I wanted it to be just right, knowing that all away-message checkers would read what I’ve written. They would have to know exactly what I’m thinking/feeling. Ok …maybe those away-message checkers aren’t thinking that, but I just was, and my away message right now are lyrics. And it’s not lame, I like my away message, it says so much in so little amount of words.

“it struck me that i’ve been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie. so i rented a camera and a van and then i called you”

It shows versatility, action, and love. And that right there is the best way I can describe this past weekend. That quote and those three words to describe it.

I would like to describe it all to you, but I like to live off memories. The way I think about it is if you wrote about every detail going on in your life, it takes away a bit of the memory. sure it makes you see it all well, with all the details, but isn’t just as fun to talk to a person you experienced it with and say “ohh i remember that!” And somethings just don’t need to be written down, if you can’t remember what happened, then it probably wasn’t very important anyways. I remember many things, details and all, so I guess I’m saying everything that’s been happening to me is very important.

Ohh one thing I will write about is his laugh. That genuine laugh. loud and from the heart. Do you know what kind of laughs I’m talking about? I smile just thinking about it. I heard it so many times this weekend. either that or that smile. that smile. =)

So enough of my corniess, sorry I had to endure you through that =P I’m trying to decide on a unversity that would be RIGHT for my in a year. My top choices right now are UMD (Baltimore campus), UNC, or Rutgers. I don’t feel like writing about this right now, but I really want to make a good decision.

I think I’m going to do a few more readings, and then I’m off to bed.

Here’s my good bye.

For the past couple of days, I’ve been thinking about how much do I really mean to people. Do they actually care about what I’m doing? Am I that person that they can talk to? How wonderful do they really think I am?

…am I irreplaceable.

I’d like to say that writing this entry is pointless and stupid, but I really just want to get my thoughts out. Some days I feel on top of the world…other days I feel I’m just trying to stay on.

Is there something wrong? Am I ok? Can I get some water?

I need to stop for just a moment please, catch my breath, and sit.

…

why do i keep running then?

Climb up to the top
It’s not very far
Walk across that set of bricks aligned just for you
Search for just the right one
Each one just waiting to be chosen
You find the right one
You reach
You can’t get it
You decide to try harder
You reach further
A bunch of them fall down
As you fall down below
fall down below
You land on wildflowers in an unknown area
You look in your hand
You got it.

I’m back in my room, laying in bed. As I look around my room, I see many things from high school. From my books, items on my desk, clothes that don’t fit, books, and the bed I’ve had for years. It feels like I’ve outgrown everything in this room. I’m not sure whether that it’s a good feeling or not, but it feels different.

Things have been going really well for me lately. I got the job as an intern in the biology lab here on campus I’ll be working with a professor in bioretention and engineering science. I’m so so excited. I’ll be getting paid to work in a lab. Can you believe it? I’ll actually be working in a lab, doing real things that affect the results of a project that will be published and used for future use. I didn’t even think that he would hire me because he seemed like he wanted someone who was older. I didn’t think I would get it at all actually. I was all smiles as I read the e-mail he sent me.

I was also recently contacted by one of my best friends from middle school. Hopefully, we can get together some time this week to hang out. I always felt I could connect with her, she’s such an awesome person. I sort of drifted from her back in middle school because I switched over to the so-called popular group. But we had always been friends and could easily regain what we had. I really did like all my friends back in middle school, we were all so close. Hanging out with Sharifa was always a blast, she had such a crazy, enthusiastic personality. Then there was Eyamindae who I bump into now and then. and then there’s lina and mildreth. Middle school were the days =)

I looked over to my right, a picture that I brought from the dorm of Derek and I…I didn’t think I would miss him already. Right now I’m thinking about what I will write next, and so many things come to mind. I can’t narrow it down to just one. Maybe I emphasize it too much or just not enough, but I really do love him. I know I’m young, but I’m rational and I know what I love/like/dislike/hate and I love him. I really do.

my heart will go on and on

I haven’t played the piano in awhile. I use to sit around my piano at home playing songs, coming up with random tunes, and just letting the music take me away. There have only been two songs that really make me feel good as I play them on the piano. One of them is “The Scientist” the other is “The Girl In The Wood.” I guess I should mention that I also love playing Disney tunes, like “Beauty and the Beast,” “Kiss the Girl”…I love the instrumental part of Beauty and the Beast. The music for that movie is just remarkable. Alen Menken really has talent. Nowadays, the songs to Disney movies are just not as captivating or addicting, they’re not the songs that everyone knows. -but then again Disney hasn’t been coming out with great movies.

Today, I kept thinking what it would be like to be in a field of wildflowers with a piano at the center. Yeah, it sounds like that music video with Michelle Branch, but it just sounds like it would be so relaxing, so peaceful. I’m trying to imagine right now, and I can…all I would have to figure out is whether I want to play a song as the sun is rising or falling.

I think this is why I stuck with band for so long in high school. I enjoyed the people I was around. I really looked forward to every practice, along with those breaks. And as I was saying earlier, I really do enjoy playing music. It makes me feel more whole in some ways. When I did band in high school, I think that part of my life is when I had the closest friends ever. Everyone seems to be somewhat drifting or just kind of there. I’m not saying that I don’t like hanging out with the people in my hallway, I love to, and I think that after this semester will become even closer as we are now, but it’s just not the same.

As I type on here each day, I think about what I’m trying to achieve with each entry, with each word. I want every entry to be as wholesome as possible and at least a little bit entertaining. It can never be a waste of time. which would mean that the time it took me to open this blog up and type was indeed a waste of time. I’m not trying to say that everything has to have a meaning, but isn’t true that everything that happens to us when we get excited and emotional stay near to our heart? and don’t we always want to talk about it?

I’m listening to “My Heart WIll Go On” right now, I used to be- and I admit obsessed with this song. I loved it. The climax towards the end, that always got to me. I had never had a real crush when it came out, and didn’t for the next couple of years, but it always made me feel good listening to it nonetheless. This song makes me think of a rooftop lounge, open wide, with plants in all the right locations, and the moon shining in to give a glow to anyone talking in its’ distance. It just sets the tone for a relaxful and loving moment.

I know I’ve been jumpy with what I want to do after college. And now I’ve caught myself in a dilemma. What if I sort of want to become a Physician’s Assistant or Biotech researcher? Becoming a pharmacist has been what I wanted to become… My goal this summer is to get some experience, and see what each does. I’m probabaly going to try and volunteer at the Washington Hospital Center again with one of the coworkers of my mentor from high school. I think it’s important that I really enjoy what I want to do in the future. Second-guessing is something I don’t want to happen.

I’m feeling really good right now, I’m guessing it’s because Spring Break will start within 24 hours. I need this. I really want this. I think we all deserve this break. =)

I understand everything that he says. I believe I’m understood back, but I don’t always say it in the way that I want it to come out. I wish I could explain things better, but it’s hard, when I don’t even know for sure what I’m talking about.

There are people out there, that don’t even worry or think about the things that they do or don’t do. Or do they? That’s a question right now, can I find out how it feels to be in their shoes? How would it feel? hECK I dont even want that, I just want to understand why they think the way they do. When I say ‘they’ I just mean a general population, no one in particular.

Work is a priority for me, but I realized tonight, that it’s not suppose to be the one thing you’re interested in. There’s got to be something more. I understand. As much as I speak of life as being a generalized topic, it’s not suppose to revolve around work, it’s not just about love, it’s about activities or friends that you have that you can do on the side. For the past few months, I haven’t had any activity to necesssarily cling onto. I think that’s what makes me disappionted in myself. I haven’t found what it is I really love to do aside from work. I’ve tried my hardest, still I can’t fit ‘them’ into my schedule. That’s why. That’s why I’ve been emotional.

I dont get bored of things easily, but I like to be busy with certain things for ahwile. That’s what I love. Being busy and then just relaxing afterwards. I think that would be wonderful. Monotonous lives is something that I doubt anyone strives for.

yup yup, im tired, no more writing …until later…

seep into the light with me
where
when
now

i wish i could speak fluent french

I write to release to the world a special little ball that moves like it would through a pinball machine, sometimes moving for awhile, but sometimes just ending down a hole, but always coming back to be released. The ball is at that part where it continuously knocks itself between two sides. I’m sitting there watching it, waiting until the next move is made. I love it when it keeps hitting the lights, and they blink on and off. It’s not even because my points accumulate, but it’s like an extra urge to keep playing in this game. This game. Why a game, why am I being so figurative? Life isn’t a game. When was it ever a game? Life has always been part of something bigger, and I still believe this. There is more to life than this. I’m pretty sure it won’t be, you grow, you learn, you marry, you travel, you have kids, and you die. It will be something more. I don’t even know quite what it will be. I’m not saying that there will be some amazing extra-terrestrial landing in which they take you hostage. I’m not even saying that you will discover something life-changing. I think that what’s in store for us is sort of like one of the levels in Donkey Kong and this probably ruins my whole entry my putting this in here. You know that level where you are driving mine-carts? Well, in this level, there’s a secret barrel, that you can go through and go to a secret level. I think that it’s sort of like that. That’s how I think of it; it’s a secret that you have the potential of unraveling.

Days feel like they just pass on by. The numbers on my calendar quickly increase. It’s like watching a clock, and seeing it go from 11:59 to 12:00. It’s like “boom boom here’s another day for ya.” There’s been some pretty good days though, and it makes me smile just thinking about them, but the other days, it’s like, “ok ok you came and went, thanks.”

Why does everyone always talk about the future? It seems as if people have plans for “there,” when the “then” hasn’t even happened. Am I just behind? I must be lost? I regret typing the last few sentences because I actually like talking about the future. It makes me feel good. I really like that last sentence, those five words. It makes me feel good. It’s almost like that “THAT WAS EASY” button from Staples. I guess I left those sentences from before undeleted so that everyone can see my confusion about it all. It’s like part of me wants to live in the moment and the other part wants to plan. I like it like that though. Can everyone see how I just resolved those two things that didn’t match up? There’s a psychology word for it, I wish I rememberd what it was.

Today I was just lying down on my bed, it felt nice. It was warm. My pillow was getting moist from being facedown. The moist air coming out of my nose and mouth caused this. Then I lifted my head to look over at Derek who was over to my left. A nice, cool breeze was the result from just lifting my head. It felt nice. It makes me feel good…just to be around him…I know he didn’t make that cool breeze, but its close enough. I’m glad I have him.

I think the pinball machine just hit 100 lights at once…

Good night to my beautiful spring weather.

edit:
My entries always sound the same, one of these days, I’m going to talk about why Santa is my hero.